The Burden of the Unforgiven (From the archives, 2006)

I just finished an incredible book, Angle of Repose by Wallace Stegner. I won’t go into the plot details in case you want to read it, but one major theme of the book, forgiveness, is not obvious until it is revealed all at once at the book’s end.

It caught me by surprise, but in hindsight it shouldn’t have, because it is also a book about hardships, difficult circumstances and obstacles, delayed aspirations, friendships and families… basically the human condition. The protagonists of the story are all decent people, but we learn throughout the story that the human condition is fertile ground for misplaced pride and passions, conflicts and mistakes.

So what happens when decent people make mistakes that harm others? To me it seems they and the people who are harmed by them have a choice… live with resentment, anger, disappointment, guilt… or find a way to clear the slate, and move on in their pursuit of happiness and well being. Easier said than done, I am sure. We probably all have some first hand experience with this. I know I do.

The quotes below reveal that this issue of forgiveness was also front and center on the minds of some pretty historically significant and reflective people.

I think one of the single greatest acts in our nation’s history was Truman’s Marshall plan. This plan helped rebuild Germany and Japan to thrive after the war, rather than punishing them for their aggressions. The punitive approach to the vanquished was taken at the end of WWI, and that soon cultivated fertile ground for the emergence of Hitler in Germany.

Other positive examples of a spirit of forgiveness and empathy for your opposition leading to breakthroughs on a national level include: Nelson Mandela’s movement to end Apartheid; Ghandi’s leadership of India’s independence movement; Lincoln’s reconciliation with the south after the Civil War; Martin Luther King Jr.’s leadership in the Civil Right’s movement. In these instances, the aggrieved chose a positive path that made an appeal to people’s better nature instead one that sought vengeance. They subsequently succeeded where others had failed.

Of the quotes below I really like the first one… when you hold grudge against a person, it forces you to live in their world, and in essence carry their water. Emotions like anger, hatred, and fear dominate and preclude feelings of empathy and community. But there is a way to break free from that, and that path is forgiveness.

I also like the one by Ghandi, that forgiveness is an attribute of the strong. I think a key problem in the Middle East has been the power differential among the participating parties. I look at the new terrorist threats, and believe those participating in these acts must be doing so from a position of weakness, devoid of empathy or forgiveness. Hatred, anger, and a multitude of negative emotions are the only way I can comprehend someone stepping onto a plane with the intent of blowing up themselves and innocents. If their targets in turn hate them back, they only give them more fuel for and validate their beliefs. This war on terror won’t be won with hatred. Unfortunately hatred is the natural reaction to someone who kills indiscriminately.

So the difficult problem if you believe forgiveness is exclusively in the domain of the strong is how do you strengthen your enemies to the point of which they are capable of forgiveness and reconciliation? I think strength in this context is an interesting term. I don’t think it necessarily means from a political point of view, but is rather a state of mind. Strong-minded people have more control over their emotions and reactions when confronted with difficult situations. The weak have less control, and fewer options. To win the “war” on terror I think ultimately you are going to have to strengthen and win the minds of those affected. Martin Luther King, Jr. did that with the civil rights movement, so I believe it is possible. I think the best you can do if you are on the other side looking in, is to try to create the circumstances that would lead to the emergence of a Martin Luther King Jr. style leader. Again that doesn’t happen overnight either.

But this topic is also relevant to individuals. I know people who have come from very difficult circumstances and have thrived despite many obstacles. By thriving I don’t necessarily mean financial gain or societal status, but rather I mean they are decent people who contribute more than they take from those around them. Could they have done that half as effectively if they carried around the burdens of the unforgiven? I don’t think so. That is a burden they couldn’t afford. I have seen others who try to live with that burden, and there are almost always worse off for it.

An example of a person who has thrived despite difficult circumstances is the Dalai Lama. It is hard to think of too many individuals who would have a larger ax to grind than he does. He was forced into exile from his native Tibet by the Chinese government. Many of his followers, who remained loyal to him in Tibet, were imprisoned, tortured, brainwashed, banished, murdered and/or relocated. It would be very easy for him to succumb to hate in these circumstances. But he hasn’t. He isn’t abdicating the problem, and saying everything is o.k. either, because clearly it isn’t. But he treats his “enemies” with empathy and compassion, and he has done a great deal to improve the human condition in his work and life. This wouldn’t have been possible if he pursued an agenda of revenge, or hate. I think his course of action is also likely much more effective in the long run. Tibet has very little geopolitical clout in a fight against China. They would lose and lose quickly in a conventional battle. But they are instead fighting for the hearts and minds of the Chinese, and I think they will eventually succeed.

That said, I think an ongoing problem is in how to react to those that not only have done you harm, but continue to do you harm? Clearly you have an obligation to try to stop the damage, and minimize the suffering they cause. But can you do this while forgiving the human frailties behind their transgressions? That is what takes strength. The world needs more leaders with the strength to oppose and resist without hating.

Anyway, here are a few quotes on the topic of forgiveness:

“When you hold resentment toward another, you are bound to that person or condition by an emotional link that is stronger than steel. Forgiveness is the only way to dissolve that link and get free.”- Catherine Ponder quotes

“To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you.”- Lewis B. Smedes quotes

We read that we ought to forgive our enemies; but we do not read that we ought to forgive our friends. -Sir Francis Bacon:

“The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong.”- Mahatma Gandhi quotes

“When a deep injury is done us, we never recover until we forgive” – Alan Paton quotes

“Forgiveness does not change the past, but it does enlarge the future.” – Paul Boese quotes

“Let us forgive each other – only then will we live in peace” – Leo Nikolaevich Tolstoy quotes

“Without forgiveness, there’s no future” – Desmond Tutu quotes

“Forgiveness is the economy of the heart… forgiveness saves the expense of anger, the cost of hatred, the waste of spirits.” – Hannah Moore quotes

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4 Responses to The Burden of the Unforgiven (From the archives, 2006)

  1. Pam Stampen says:

    Thanks for this post John. Forgiveness is incredibly difficult in many circumstances. As human beings we all have life trials and things we think we can’t forgive and yet we must try. Candidly, I will admit that I feel I have had “injustices” done to me in my life that, at the time, I thought I could never forgive. Years later however, in reading about forgiveness, I realized that the only person really being harmed or weighed down by this anger/resentment over these events in my youth, was me. To forgive these people – I mean truly forgive, was the most cleansing and freeing thing I’ve ever done. Not easy, but powerful. Selfishly, it was not even really for them (one had already passed away as a matter of fact) it was for me.

    Now I’m still very human. I can’t always muster this strength or courage needed to forgive -especially when I percieve the wrong has been done to the people I love. I can really be a “mother bear” when I precieve someone has wronged one of my “cubs”. It is in these moments that this post and these quotes by people who have been through far more than I will come in handy.
    Thanks again for posting.

  2. Theresa says:

    The need to forgive implies an act of aggression, assumption, or stupidity has occurred by an offender. The human qualities in me struggles with the ability to truly forgive, without the acknowledgement of regret by the offender. As I walk the path of desired forgivenss I seem to require the obligatory “I’m sorry,” before I can get my head and heart in a place where it can honestly forgive. I wish I didn’t need those words before the process of foregiveness can occur, but I do. I think it means I am less than evolved….

    • John Stampen says:

      I think forgiveness is more about recognizing what we have in common with each other than what is different. I think most of us are just trying to get through the challenges we face each day.

      A quote that captures this sentiment that I like is by Plato and goes something like “Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle.” I think when people are hurting in one area of their life they are more likely to lash out in another.

      There are also forces that have been around a lot longer than we have that lead people in difficult ways (think middle East, Bosnia/Serbia, Ireland, etc.). Another quote I like related to this topic is by Vonnegut and goes, …”I have to say this in defense of humankind: No matter in what era in history, including the Garden of Eden, everybody just got there. And, except for the Garden of Eden, there were already all these crazy games going on, which could make you act crazy, even if you weren’t crazy to begin with.

      Thanks for sharing your thoughts on this topic Theresa.

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